Growing Old Gracefully - Or Becoming Victor Meldrew
Over the past 3 years I have often been observing these horses and how they communicate with one another. At the beginning, I used to almost constantly talk to 'Mr F' when with him, not realising that to him, my words mean nothing of course, appart from the tone of voice.
The longer I spent time with them, the quieter I became while with them. Aikido - or more the spiritual side of it (sadly mostly ignored in practise!) - greatly hightlighted how to be just 'present', with no mind (ideally!).
And so 'Mr F' and I have developed a quite intricate communication system ... or more to the truth: he is slowly teaching me his way of communicating.
Their lanaguge is so very versatile. It can be so soft and gentle and then suddenly really harsh and painful. Eitherway, it is always a very clear language leaving no doubts at any time.
Greeting them for example:
If you watch horses meeting each other, either old friends or new ones, they greet each other by holding their heads very close and smelling each other.
But if we humans go and greet them, we stick our hands right into their faces - would you like to be greeted that way? They too have what we call 'personal space' requirements.
Realising this, I have started to greet them in the same manner they do. Try it out, its most interesting to observe.
'Mr F' isn't a very cuddly horse (compared to 'Luke'!). There are moments when he does like being petted but its more a case of placing my hands on his neck or shoulders. More often we just stand next to each other, and sometimes he does rest his chin on my shoulders when he is dozing off. But each time the contact has been his choice. 'Madame' is quite similar in that aspect. But both do like their ears scratched!
And so I keep copying their behaviour ... and indeed we seem to have some form of silent communication taking place. The more I learn, the subtler the communication becomes, sometimes not even guestures but just being with them. We kind of just know. But this means that I too have to be totally open and truthful, by this I mean that it won't work if my mind is in overdrive or I am expecting things to happen. It only works if nothing else exists but the very moment.
It's the eyes, too. I read a great deal in their eyes. Sometimes, when 'Mr F' isn't feeling well, his eyes are somewhat 'shut off' ... it is though as if there is another layer. I cannot possibly describe it with words. His eyes shut off too when he is in panic or overly exicted as he used to be at the beginning when we joined our first few large group rides. The eyes glaze over and I know I have 'lost' him, he is not 'present'. I wonder if they 'see' the same in our eyes.
For me, body language has become important, especially as I am horizontally challanged at only 5feet which is certainly not very intimidating. Yet if you truely and openly mean what you are portraying with your body, they understand.
'Luke' is a great example for this. He used to have the habit of making it impossible to enter the stable or move him away from a gate short of spooking him. Being some 600+kg of weight, you go try move that with its legs firmly planted on the ground, with a look on the face saying "Go on, try make me move!" And all this of course each time you want to get on with stuff in a hurry ...
Here I want to add that it does help that 'Mr F' is at the top of the pecking order, so I can copy him. It also helps because the other horses observe the interaction between the two of us. So they learn that if she can make him move, gosh that I sure should move too! What he says goes, end of. None of the horses ever argue. His gestures are clear and often hardly noticable. Only as I am more finely tuned to them do I see them. And I also notice that there often are no guestures whatsoever ... but yet still the other horse in question moves out the way, clearly Before I often wondered: 'now why just did that other horse move so suddenly?'. I am pretty certain that they must have means of communicating via telepathy as well as body language.
But one thing is for sure: when they do communicate they mean it. If 'Mr F' wants 'Luke' out the way, he is very clear with his guestures. There are phases, too. At first it's quite often just the years pinched back lightly, then a little more. Or depending on positioning, the hind leg comes up or the tail is swished angrily. If that's not working, the head goes down, and for more emphasis it is being swayed left to right. And last phase: a crafty bite! Not at anytime is there any hesitation in any of 'Mr F's guestures.
And with 'Luke' having his own little underling, I could observe him too, doing just the same, equally as effective. It's never over the top, just as much as it requires to get the other horse to move.
The only exception here is 'PL' who does everything with great drama and then doesn't know how to finish off what she started ... but she is a special case in everyway.
Our latest pass time is the communial grooming. I was introduced to this by accident really, I was scratching 'Mr F's neck one morning in the stable, and 'Kitten' saw this as an invite and did the same to me, and 'Luke' too joined and did the same to 'Kitten' and 'Mr F' then scratched 'Luke'. One big daisy chaing of scratching. But I have written about the grooming ritual somewhere else in this blog.
Being able to communicate or at least listen to the horse, or for the horse to know that I can listen, is very important. And if you have a horse that is in pain, you will be grateful if it can show you where the problem is. Some horses are so used to not being listened to that they just put up with what botheres them until they can't cope no more.
'Mr F' signals in many ways that he is unwell. He either looks at the part that is not right, or he looks at me in his "Come on, you should know something is wrong." way. Also if he is suddenly anxious to leave his mates behind, that too is the final indicator that something is not right. He never cares if we go out alone (unless there are horses in the yard that are being fed at the time of our departure, how do I dare delay his dinner!) but when he does I know something is up.
Closeness:
Each horse is different. 'Luke' especially is very much one for cuddles (anyone that is willing basically), 'Kitten' too enjoys it but only if she 'likes' you. 'Mr F' isn't really very much into the touching business unless the hands rest on the body. I have seen people go to him sticking their hands into his face and sometimes it has happened that they get a little nip. He does warn them though by usually moving his head away from them first. But often that is not clear anough so here comes the nip. I do warn people though.
And of course there are moments when 'Mr F' and I do have quite some arguments. He is used to the other horses moving out of his way at his command. I don't do that ... it took a while for him to let me be equal. He still gets very grumpy with me if I forbid him to eat another horse's food. In the old days I would have had no chance of stopping him, he would just have run me over, which is why I used to separate him during feeding. Only with time has he accepted me as the one that sometimes holds the cards ... albeit he does so grudgingly.
And yes, I do get the occasional nip myself, and sometimes it is deserved (although it only happens when I am chatting with someone else and am not paying attention to what I am doing). But if it isn't, he gets a nip back straight away. Just like it is among them when they are in the field.
He is in fact very good at being grumpy, perhaps due to his age. Hence why 'Lillian' and I call him 'Victor Meldrew' at times. Other's have compared us to 'an old married couple' ...
Many people will of course say that this is not acceptable behaviour. Which is OK. But 'Mr F' is not a pet. He is not a dog that one can just pet at will, there is still a little bit of freedom left in these horses and I personally like them to keep that while they can. Yes it has to be safe for the humans, but I don't want a dumb horse so that they no longer communicate. To understand them, I need to be part of them, or at least be kind of accepted as one of them, not separated from them. And so I do learn everyday, I learn when things go wrong and when they go well.
May the language lessons continue! :)