Knowing Me Knowing YOU - Part I - Trusting

Right from the start of my time with 'Mr F' it was important to me to spend time with him whenever I could spare a few minutes, not including feeding time. It doesn't matter how long the visits are, sometimes as short as 10 minutes.

At first it was simply a case of human meets horse. I am intrigued and draw to this horse and I want to learn more about his world. Each day we seem to trust each other a little better, but I still feel very alien in his world. He very intently seems to observe me, it amazes me how I feel completely exposed. There is no point in pretending because he just sees right through it. This has become very clear right away. It's the eye contact, no words can describe the information exchanged through it. There is a depth, an honesty and a never ending kindness that has and will always make me feel so grateful for being near him and also other horses. But especially 'Mr F'. It is as though there is some other being in there, or perhaps I am learning that it is not 'just an animal' but a fellow being, another life form, another form of life, just like I am. The more time I am spending with the horses the more distant I become from humans and their complicated way of thinking and acting. 

No matter how I spent time with 'Mr F' - the main theme seems to be: it takes as long as it takes. In other words: hurry up and wait.

Others don't seem to deal with their horses in this manner but I soon figured out that I was best of listening to my gut instincts rather than following what others do. However much time 'Mr f' needed to figure something out, I was fine with waiting. It is one of the very few ways I can communicate to him that I am trying to listen to him. Which hopefully in turn makes him experience me as a being that can be trusted or on a basic level: a being that offers security.


Strange objects:
(its hard to miss this one as every horse person talks about it in one shape or form - desensitising). I tried to think of all kinds of objects to let 'Mr F' get in contact with, such as balloons, hoses, plastic bags, sheets of plastic, etc etc.

One of our recent exercises involved a yellow tape measure. I wanted to measure 'Mr F' for some tack and rug sizes. I had him in the little yard out the back. When he is in there I leave him loose. In fact I don't like to tie him up at all because I have noticed that he is much more relaxed when he can can stand till on his own will.

I entered the yard with the yellow tape measure (plastic ribbon type thing) and not thinking anything of it, approached 'Mr F'.  Oh boy, there was much huffing and puffing and snorting!
 "MY GOD!! What are you doing with that NASTY EVIL yellow SNAKE!?? WHY are you coming near me with it!!??"
It never occurred to me that he could find this yellow tape measure to be life threatening. I tried not to laugh. He was pacing around in the yard ... his eyes fixed on that thing in my hand. Every time I approached him with it he'd run away. OK, I had to get him to get used to it. I dropped the tape measure on the floor and pretended that everything was ok. As I walked away from the tape measure 'Mr F' came straight to me, still snorting and looking at the 'snake'. "Take it away - take it away!"
I continued pretending as though everything was OK and busied myself with something in the yard. After about 5 minutes 'Mr F' decides to investigate the 'snake' a little more closely. He veeery carefully approached it, eyeing it up at first, then sniffing it. It didn't move. A sigh of relieve from 'Mr F'. "Phew, its dead!" The snorting stopped. I left it there and let 'Mr F' back into the field to join 'Luke'.

I repeated this exercise the next day, the day after and the day after that, placing the tape measure differently each time and leaving it until 'Mr F' was fine with it. Eventually he let me place it anywhere on his body,  his back, along his legs, his neck, his face, everywhere. One less thing that will spook us on a ride out, although I doubt we encounter tape measures on a hack ...

And so I learn that many things can be achieved with patience. I also learn that what may have worked the previous day may not work the next, therefore don't take anything for granted. Treat every day as new.


Field studies:

Some months back now - before I became involved with 'Mr F' - I watched 'Jane' and 'Lillian' take 'Mr F' and 'Rose' into the open fields behind 'Buttercup Farm' on lead rope. They barely managed to hang on to them! Neither of the ex-racehorses could cope with the open fields ... all they wanted to do is run.

Considering that I am probably at some point going to ride 'Mr F' I am not feeling secure if there are places which he cannot cope with. The two of us have now reached a point where 'Mr F' is fine with just my company. Although I am not a horse, I seem to be OK enough to be trusted and followed. We have been for walks on the country lanes and out of sight of 'Butter Cup' Farm and actually very soon 'Mr F' stopped calling out for his field mates. I noticed that he was looking forward to our outings and he would come to me or wait willingly for me to put on his head collar and lead rope.

It was time to go and introduce him to the wide open fields.

The first time he was quite excited, did a little bit of jogging but not for long. We remained close to the gate through which we entered, until he calmly grazed.

The next day we ventured a little further.

After about 2 weeks of this we calmly wondered through all of the open fields and 'Mr F' even made friends with the calves there were grazing in those fields. At first he wasn't so sure as they had the habit of coming close to his rear trying to sniff and even lick. I knew 'Mr F' wouldn't kick but when he had enough he gave me an annoyed look as though to say "sort it out please, they are getting irritating."

The views from these fields are beautiful, especially in late evening when the sun goes down. I enjoy it up there as we are away from all the others. The tiny yard can be very cramped with people if all turn up at the same time. It doesn't help that 'Jane' insists on parking her car in said little yard, making it even smaller, just enough space to tie up 2 horses.

I'd like to add that we do have permission to access those fields, they don't belong to 'Buttercup Farm'.

For Better, For Worse ... till death do us part

(this is another post ... written with delay, copied from my hand written notes)

A rather dramatic title I know. 

But that is just how I felt when 'Jane' out of the blue approached me one day with: "Could you let me know if you want to take 'Mr F' on loan?"

"Pardon?!" I said, in shock!

"Well,  you know, they do need a home and someone has to pay for their feed etc. I might know someone that will take on 'Rose' but nobody has shown interest in 'Mr F'."

The owner of the two ex-racehorses had been paying for their upkeep but often with delay due to her being in poor health.

"Well ..." I paused for a while, trying to digest the heaviness of this question. "... I have to think about this. Please allow me a week to make up my mind."

Even though I had already been thinking 'What if they both leave? I will miss them.' this question to me was weighing very heavy. Me and a horse? My income was barely existent. I was trying to make my tailoring / millinery studio work while also helping out my then partner with his work so that the bills could be paid.  My balance was in the red most of times. 

And how was I going to break the news at home? Things didn't look too rosy anyway between the two of us, haven't for years. I had already quietly considered leaving several times, perhaps even returning back to Switzerland.  'If I take on a horse I am tied to this place and certainly this country. Think again woman: you were about to seriously consider leaving, and now you are contemplating the opposite, in fact you will have to ensure that you can stay for a while, years even! It won't be easy to move with a horse.'  Considering the circumstances, it was clear that my answer should be 'NO'. 

But there was also something else that bothered me:
I was somewhat at unease letting another being come close to me as I was not wanting to go through the feeling of loss again, as I had done so in the past with humans and animals. I figured it was best not to form attachments.  In fact having a human partner was already difficult enough. We humans are hard work to be around, one has to constantly try and comply or fit in. But most of all it is the constant 2nd guessing that is required to be able to peacefully live among other humans. Our constant need for control, power, attention, praise,  our neediness, our clinginess, the want to make others depending on you and so forth ... I am surprised we haven't wiped each other out by now.

Looking at 'Mr F', I knew that one of us would die one day, and that was something I needed to get to grips with without fretting about it. After all death  is inevitable and natural. I was pondering on these thoughts for some time. I am not a dark minded person even though this post may make me sound like one. But I want to face the facts in life rather than hiding from them.

I went into the field where 'Mr F' and 'Rose' were. I looked at 'Mr F' ... I had no idea about horses and yet this huge being seemed to have become very relaxed and content in my presence. I wanted to know more about him, I knew that our 'journey' had only just began. There was now no way for me to get out of this.

I threw all the worries overboard and went to speak to 'Jane':

"Ok. I have made a decission: I will take on 'Mr F' but only if I can have some assurance that I can stay with him at 'Buttercup Farm', for at least a couple of years from now on."

"Yes, that will be fine. We'll give each other enough notice should things change. But to be able to keep him here you will have to muck out all the stables especially during winter." she said, quite pleased that now she had to deal with one less horse. 

"Ok. In which case, I shall say yes to 'Mr F'." There, I did it.

"Good. I let his owner know."

Oh my ... now I have a horse, of all things!

I went into the pasture where 'Mr F' was grazing ... and he came straight up to me. As he was walking towards me I said to him: "You know, now you're officially stuck with me, until one of us dies. I have no idea what I am doing though. Hope you're OK with that."  Somehow I knew he understood what I said in his own way, he looked at me for quite a long time and just stood with me.

And so our adventure began ... 'Mr F' at the age of 19, me at the tender age of 40.

Looking Better & Overwhelming Observations

And so, as time went by, I became more and more involved with the well being of these two ex-racehorses. The experience and observations I made by spending time with them went completely under my skin and I went to bed at night feeling totally at peace and so very much alive.

As soon as I was with them, time stopped and nothing mattered. It was as though I was sucked into a place of no time, no thought, it was pure, honest and loving - although 'loving' is not really the word I am looking for because we seem to have too much attachment associated with that word. Maybe one day I find a better word for it.

I was completely filled up to the brim with the beauty of these beings. By this I don't even mean the physical beauty, but their inner pureness, their innocence and their kindness regardless.

'Mr F' willingly decided to trust me so very quickly, why? I had no idea about horses but could not keep away from these two. Although I was never had any thoughts of fear when in their presence, I was fully aware that my well being while I was amongst them was and always will be entirely at the mercy of their good will and their kindness.  

When I am not with them I spend countless hours thinking about them and what they mean. Yes, what do they mean to us? It is as though they were some form of gateway to something else, something I didn't know anything about. Most of all I felt very humble and grateful when in their presence. Humble for being with them, grateful that 'Mr F' is so willingly wanting to share his time with me.

Above: 'Mr F' - beginning of May 2013, always following me around the field.

'Mr F' is  following me around the field, wanting to know what I am up to, he does it all the time now. I often go and see them when I have a tea break (working from home). I just sit there and observe how they interact with each other. 

To me at the time they were unknown creatures, they weren't pets, but they were also not wild animals. They clearly don't function like dogs and of course they are not like us either. So what are they? 'Mr F' seemed to read me like a book. It's in the eye contact. The longer I spend time with him the more do his eyes seem to open up. They become softer, steadier, warmer. Often he looks at me rather intently ... and the sensation that goes along with that is that he looks right into me.  There are no secrets, no pretending, there is no point because he knows already. 

 'Rose' and 'Mr F' - End of May 2013

At last the grass is growing ... and they are beginning to put on a little weight. Both still have great separation anxiety. I guess they have been together through some rough times. I understand that 'Rose' had always been a bit of a 'special' horse as she could only be put into a field with 'Mr F', but struggled with other horses. 

'Mr F' end of May 2013

  Both - June 2013

Both - June 2013

'Mr F' has been putting on some weight but 'Rose' is still struggling. She is just not comfortable in herself. And she is becoming more and more grumpy with 'Mr F' as soon as I go and groom them. There have been moments when she would try bite him and even me unless she was groomed first. 

'Mr F' - comparison

'Rose' - comparison - not mentally settled and quite high strung, which seems to reflect in her digestive system, she is hardly putting on weight and her rear end business is very watery.

Again, its clearly visible that 'Mr F' has put on weight nicely and I had become very close to both and spent most evenings with them until it was dark. Much to the annoyance of my then partner.

It was at this point where I began thinking 'Well, what if they both leave? What if someone takes them on loan? I'll probably miss them ... ' followed by: 'Oh come on, silly woman, you knew it wouldn't last. You don't have the money to have a horse, you can barely feed yourself ... just imagine all the vet bills, the feed bills, the insurance ... '

To be continued ...