Thoughts on Friendship, Dominance and Leadership

It is now just over a year ago since I have taken 'Mr F' under my wings, or shall we say since HE has taken me under HIS wings. 

In books and conversations with other riders there is much talk about leadership, dominance, control, being the boss etc. 

I guess I must have upset quite a few people, or at least annoyed them by stubbornly doing things 'my way'. Yes, I agree that there has to be some form of control between human and horse, else it is potentially dangerous for all involved.  Not because horses are melicious but because we often do things that they find unbareable over a long period of time and so they explode, bite or kick. Some horses are more patient than others.

First off: I never liked the word 'dominance' nor do I like being controlled or being told whom to follow. Don't get me wrong: in a work situation, I will adhere to the 'standards', for sure, its a requirement. But privately, that is a different matter all together.

From personal experience I can only honestly and willingly follow someone who I feel is trustworthy. I never cared about rank or position I'm afraid. It's not who you are but what you do that matters to me.

And for an animal, who doesn't have all the noise in the head as we do, this is surely how it all functions. They will choose, among themselves, the one animal that they deem best as their leader.

All horses here and any guest horses have never yet even once questioned 'Mr F's authority. He is always top of the pecking order, so to speak. He 'rules' calmly and consistently. And all horses that are with him become calm and relaxed. Because they know the 'rules' and that's that. 

I have to find a way of being equal to 'Mr F', so that 'Mr F' no longer questions me. Now that is a challenge! He isn't a horse that can be dominated with force and shackles. Well yes you can but you will not have a friendly horse on your hands. 

And I am NOT looking for a friendship either.  I fell into that trap at the very start with 'Mr F'. He doesn't care how I 'feel', they don't do all the silly emotions that we humans have. All he cares about is: am I stable (mentally), am I listening to him, can he trust me - basically: can he feel secure with me. Am I worth following, that is his question.

I will never be able to replace the meaning of another horse to him, I am NOT a horse, I am a human. But perhaps one day I can overcome that separation just a little ... perhaps one day we can  have a partnership that is balanced.

But it is not through dominance, control or force.

I will come back to this topic I am sure!

Reading off the same page again - goodbye books!

In view of the recent events I decided to rid of all the books that I had started dipping in and out of, to empty my head of all input I had been given and to go back to the start. So far I had not been dissapointed by my 'gut instincts' and it was time to listen to that a little more, too.

 I have to start all over again, but at least this time I know what not to do. 

The past days I spent by just finding the odd bit of spare time to spend with 'Mr F' and the others in the field. I would make a cup of tea and just go and sit there, not interfereing with anything nor making eye contact.

'Mr F' is now ok being fetched but he still does give me this weary look as though to say 'I do hope you learnt something here ... don't mess it up again please.'

And so, as the days go by and 'Mr F' was beginning to trust me again, we are able to go on our walks once more. He also seems more interested in what is going on and generally appears much more content with his life. 

The other evening he even came trotting up to me to say hello. I think he knows that I got the message.

Sometimes its good to talk

Today early morning 'Lillian' and I went out with 'Luke' and 'Mr F'.

The previous evening I was pretty much out of all hope to ever get on the same page again with 'Mr F'. I didn't  know how to get that communication back that we enjoyed so much before. In fact I thought that perhaps it might be better for 'Mr F' to be with someone who was better at this horse care business.

'Lillian' hadn't been around much due to haymaking time but she had see the previous evening just how much of a communication breakdown there was between myself and 'Mr F' and she told me that she had been thinking about it.

We discussed our observations of myself and 'Mr F' for a while. 

At the end of it I have come to the conclusion that:

a) ... I have OVER DESENSITIZED. It all started when 'Lillian' showed me some of the groundwork exercises that she had been taught in a workshop with MG (and no! I am NOT blaming her, just read on). Working with the plastic bag on the stick or flag on a stick. I understand this is meant to become a  help during groundwork (like an arm extension). But first the horse has to get used to it a little so it can cope with it being present. It has to learn to accept it but needs to learn when to move away from it. Looking back, both I and 'Lillian' agree that 'Mr F' got used to it very quickly to the point where it meant nothing to him. No matter how much I would move it around, no matter where I'd touch him with it: belly, legs, head, anywhere - he didn't bother him any longer and with that it became a useless tool.

I had been over eager and had gone a few steps too far into the wrong direction. The stick with flag (bag) was meant to be an aid to put him off from walking into me when working on the ground. A tool to make him understand the rules of respecting each others space.  But as it was no longer effective in our case, our groundwork would end up in a tangle of ropes, a confused horse and an angry and frustrated human (angry with myself) ... and from here on we were on a cul-de-sac with communication meltdown at the end - I just didn't know it then.

b) ...  I WAS WANTING TO DO TOO MANY STEPS with TOO LITTLE REWARD in TOO SHORT A TIME. In my personal life and business, once I have my head stuck into something there is no stopping me until I have finished what I started, even if I have to do it again and again until I am satisfied with it. I taught myself the accordion (and wasn't bad at it),  i taught myself English (you be the judge of that), I taught myself webdesign, tailoring, etc etc. I think and analyse and think and experiment and work until I get a result with which I am satisfied with. It has happened that I destroyed an entire piece of my work on which I had just spent 30+ hours simply because there was some stitching not right and it couldn't be easily undone. If on my own, I can go on like this for days on end without even talking to a single person and I enjoy it.

And now, bearing this in mind, guess what happened when I learnt about groundwork!?

Yes it was all about performing. I was ready to go and learn and master it - 'guns  fully loaded' so to speak. Read again:  I was ready and willing,  I was going to master this, I, I, I.  Not once did I even consider that there is another being involved, who has its own way of understanding and learning.

All the things I asked 'Mr F to do he did at the beginning. He did them very well and very quickly, he is a very fast learner. And yet I didn't reward him often enough, I wanted more and better because it appeared that we progressed so quickly! All of a sudden I was for some reason trying to turn 'Mr F' into exactly what I disapprove of so much - a performance machine!

'Lillian' pointed out that there is partly were the problem lies, she had been told - asking much and no reward. Horse does one step, reward. And another, and reward ... etc etc. He needs to know he is doing right when he does.

It requires AWARENESS (plan were you want to go, and have a plan not to have a plan, and most of all: OBSERVE THE HORSE all time and reward in the RIGHT moments. Here we have the all important TIMING. 

Whatever we do with the horse, any time we spend with them, they learn something, good or bad. Something that I must never forget.

And wave your ego goodbye, please!  Don't let your temper getter the better of you, be patient with the horse and yourself. They didn't come up with the saying "hurry up and wait" for no reason.

This is what I had to apply this morning, before we could even leave the yard for our ride.

Dealing with 'Mr F's refusal to be led out of the yard:

PHASE 1 - a pull (don't jerk, just a steady pull but be READY TO RELEASE as soon as he moves!) if nothing happens here, then onto PHASE 2 - extra incentive needed: in my case - pull and a light tap with the rope just behind his shoulders). WOAH! 'Mr F' moved! NOW RELEASE AND REWARD. Back to phase one - phase two. RELEASE AND REWARD. I repeated this another 3 times. Then suddenly, only phase 1 was required.

Dealing with 'Mr F's refusal to ride away from yard: 

PHASE 1 - move seat to sign that its time to move forward (when communication between us was going well, I hardly needed any aids and communication was very smooth and soft. Often I just had to 'think' of a move or direction. Of course, not so today. NOTHING happened. PHASE 2 - stronger encouragement with help of legs. Nothing. PHASE 3 - a convincing tap with the end of the rope. And we moved! RELEASE AND REWARD. REPEAT. Another 3 times and we only needed phases 1 and 2. On the way down the lane we stopped once more. REPEAT the phases. By the time we were at the end of the lane it was only PHASE 1.

Throughout the ride 'Mr F' was fine. He had a quicker walk than normal and was content with both being at the back and at front. He trotted beautifully but then there was a moment when there was a White Van parked and workers were using machinery. 'Mr F' decided that he could not possibly go any further. He wasn't really that bothered about the Van but decided to refuse to walk on. Back to the PHASES! From then on we were doing fine.

Conclusion:

For me: STOP reading books! I get too many ideas in my head. What works for others doesn't mean it works for you. Work with  your horse, it'll tell you how well you do ... 

Everything we ask of the horse requires these phases and the balance between asking and rewarding is so very very subtle and can tip one way very quickly.

There is a firmness required from the human and a clear mind. I am not trying to dominate the horse but I am trying to convince him that my way is the better. And sometimes the horses' way may be better. It requires a great deal of wisdom to work this balancing act ... and I have much to learn!!

I had asked (too) much and rewarded too little or not at all - yet when I had to manage people in my previous work I spent much more time to ensure they would feel alright or at least understand why they had to do something in a manner. Why did I fail to do the same with 'Mr F' - I suddenly, and wrongly, treated him like a tool rather than a being who has it's own mind.

I have said this before long time ago in this blog and I have to come back to it:  'Mr F' is an excellent teacher. Although a very dominant horse, he is gentle and patient.

He could have just started to kick me or bite me to have his peace. But he didn't. Instead he was trying to tell me that something is not right. He spoke clearly, when he just stood there with all fours firmly planted on the ground.  He was telling me he didn't understand me any longer. He never did rear nor try to hurt me. He just stood there looking at me with these very distant eyes. Yesterday evening he just stood there, hanging his head almost at my knee level and just looked very sad and very disappointed - I had let him down even thought it was not my intention.

But today when we came back after the ride 'Mr F' looked at me again with a warm look in his eyes, he was not hiding any longer. It is now down to me to proof myself and not to let him down again.

Some might say (and actually have said this): 'Well aren't you taking all this horsey stuff just a little too seriously?'

No, I do not. 

They put up with us, with all our faults, with all our demands and our anger. We shackle them to make them move if we ourselves can't, we used them so we can look great, we ignore them when they despereately need our attention and yet, all the while, they let us into their lives again and again.  I think we owe them a great deal more than just a bit of attention and feed!

Being a bit at a loss ...

I still do not know what is the matter with 'Mr F'. He is not his usual self. Something has changed since that last weekend.

I can fetch him without difficulties now but trying to make him walk anywhere is still a challenge. On some mornings he is fine and walks at least up and down the drive albeit ever so slow but he is not bothered about the others or about leaving them. Then, other times, he just plants his feet on the ground, looking at the pasture where he just came from, not moving an inch out of the yard.

Fortunately I can observe them from my studio. He generally seems a little down, somewhat depressed.

I still am not sure if it was I that did something wrong on that weekend that has passed or whether he is actually in pain. His face and eyes tell me something is not right and I don't think it is necessarily my presence that puts him off. 

But it is clear that I am not getting the message and 'Mr F' is very frustrated about this.

Tomorrow the Vet is coming to show me how to properly clean that sheath and check for the 'bean'. I have in the previous year done it myself and it all went well but I didn't know how to check for the bean, which is a hardened build up of smegma that can, if left unchecked, be very painful for the horse.

These recent developments are driving me crazy. 'Mr F' and I had the beginning of a good partnership before but now we no longer positively communicate. But most of all I don't like looking at this somewhat depressed horse, whith his distant, glazed over eyes that were before so full of live and wisdom.

I have decided to try and not think about it all too much today and am looking forward to the VET visit, if nothing else I at least will learn how to clean a sheath properly ...

And perhaps 'Lillian' has a little more spare time the coming week now with the haymaking is over. When we ride out together we do a lot of horse talk and I know no matter how crazy I may sound at times, she doesn't shake her head in dismissal but instead just listens.

Knowing ME - Knowing YOU - Part III

Looking back at the past week I have come to realise that I don't want to just ride a horse. To me it has become much more.

I realise the great responsibility I have towards the horse. By that I don't mean it's health or it's safety, that is a given. What I means is my responsibility to keep the relationship alive. To keep it honest, free, pure and simple and through this to build a foundation based on trust and understanding.

The riding aspect is not really of that great of an importance to me. Yes of course, I enjoy it greatly and it is wonderful to feel this force underneath, to move with it and observe each of its movements, to be one with it.

But I don't get itchy feet if I am not riding for a few days. I am just as happy going for walks with 'Mr F'.

I cannot enjoy riding or working with a horse that does not want to be part of what is going on.

Having an interested and mentally sound horse will be a more willing horse. Where as a distressed and out of sorts animal will just be like sitting on a pressure cooker - it will explode at any moment.

And in view of the total communication breakdown between myself and 'Mr F' I have now decided not to ride him until I have figured out what exactly is the matter.

To be able to treat a horse in a fair manner, what we humans need to do is to be able to (this list may change as our journey continues):

- to listen

- to observe

- TO STAY CALM (even if not feeling so inside!)

- a WANT to learn

- to concentrate / focus

- the ability to THINK, re-think and THINK again

- a great deal of willingness to ADMIT to being WRONG

- have DIGNITY (the light doesn't shine out your backside, it never will!)

- SET ONES MIND FREE - to have the ability to forget whatever else is going on in ones life as soon as one is with the horse. If one is not capable of doing this, it will sooner or later interfere/distract. Basically: you have to be MENTALLY STRONG for the horse. The horse doesn't care if you had a bad day, it doesn't care if you have been let down or betrayed or whatever else. It only cares if you care, and then it will be with you.

In addition it also requires a great deal of:

- self-DISCIPLINE

- self-control (perhaps both go together to some extenct)

- a fair amount of GUTS or failing that a HUGE amount of acting abilities! If the horse notices that you are insecure or frightened, it will be weary. They are amazing at reading body language, they are prey animals afterall!

I am convinced that the riding can only flourish if I get a decent relationship going between myself and the horse.

If I have a willing horse, then there will be less struggle and I have time to concentrate on my job as a rider, to be with the horse, to be with its movements and its mind. But right now I have a long long road to get there it seems ...

I need to find out what is wrong with our relationship.

Just being ...

Tuesday:

Still not worked out what the problem is. 'Mr F' still playing hard to get. Once caught, he refuses to move into the direction of the stables. Requires much persuasion and I admit I lost my temper a little - which in turn made me even more annoyed ... and from here its a downward spiral.

It was blatantly clear that I had lost his trust.

In the evening 'Mr F' no longer runs off but still refuses to move if I try and walk him towards the stables. He will follow if I turn back further into the field. I tried making him move around in the field and then energetically and with positive thinking trying to encourage him out of the field. Well, it was like moving treacle! What on earth was going on here!

I got him into the stable eventually, let him have some soaked hay while pad-walking ( hoof therapy) 'Rose'. While walking away with 'Rose', 'Mr F' created a lot of fuss. I ignored it, spitefully.

Returned to groom him and feed him and he behaved fine but had that bothered look on his face.

More and more I feel that something isn't quite right. I feel as though he is expecting me to know what bothers him but as I don't seem to get it, he too is becoming more and more frustrated.

Wednesday - Just being.

A hot day. I would normally take 'Mr F' out for a ride around 8:30 am when its cooler. I love early summer mornings as everything smells nice and there are not many flies. I did miss the riding a little by now but did not want to ride while 'Mr F' was in these moods. At this moment in time we had not much of a partnership going.

Some people would say: just make him do it! - I don't see the point in that. I will never enjoy riding a horse that does not enjoy going out with me. What is the point in forcing these creatures in constantly doing something they don't feel comfortable with! 

Instead I decided to go into the field with them. 

All three were grazing together. I hadn't planned on doing anything but to just be with them. However, I spontaneously decided to copy them. I knelt down and started to pick grass, pretending to ignore them. 'Mr F' watched me all along but didn't move and continued picking away at the grass. 'Luke' was the first one to approach. He came a little too close so I just stood up slowly, lowered my head a little and made a step towards him and all the while thinking 'Move'. 'Luke' got the message and immediately moved out the way and wondered off to the left of me. 

I remained in my new position. Then 'Rose' came and I did the same and she too moved away from me immediately and went on to herd 'Luke' around a little. Now 'Mr F' approached, slowly. But rather than just walking towards me like the others did, he moved up step by step, eating and ripping the grass out the ground quite furiously it seemed. Certainly more forcefully than the others. 

All the while I remained where I was, ripping out grass after grass. Eventually his head was right next to me and I intensely observed everyone of his moves. His tail (was it swishing in anger or just for the flies), his ears (very much pointed forward), and so forth. He then attempted to make one step forward - which meant I would have had to get out the way. 

So I did the same to him as I did with the others ... and interestingly, he too moved away but not as willingly as the others. There was a little snorting and a little swishing of tail. Once he moved, I too moved but into a different direction to his, not backwards of forwards by sidewards. I deliberately walked very purposefully, as though I discovered something, some great grass! And they all followed - but none tried to push me out the way. 'Mr F' came very close again, put his nose close to my face and examined what I was doing, then continued eating, quite relaxed.

The sun was hot (for British conditions anyway) and I decided to go and stand under the tree to have some shade. I never looked at the horses but they all followed. It was interesting to observe how they positioned themselves. 'Mr F' moved right next to me, 'Rose' placed herself behind 'Mr F' and 'Luke' remained in a distance, at the edge of the shadowed area. 'Luke' is at the bottom of the pecking order, the others get the good stuff first, the best grass, the freshest water etc.

We stood there for quite a while. I didn't speak nor did I make eye contact, nor did I think, I just observed. 'Mr F' was a few times scratching his head on my back but as soon as he'd done this I did the same to him but using his neck  ... I wanted to know what would happen. He wasn't too pleased about it at first and was a little perplex although he didn't move, just lifted his head almost as to say 'hey, what you doing!?'  but then he seemed to accept it. I remained there a little longer and then left the field.

I never spoke a word. I hadn't planned on doing this either, it just felt the right thing to do at that moment.

Catch me if you can! Learn your lesson, human!

Feeding in the morning as usual, they were already waiting in the shed.

However, when I went to fetch 'Mr F' in the early evening for feeding, he ran off. I mean he cantered off to the far side of the field.  I was in shock - this was very unlike him. 'Mr F' was always fine with being fetched and I usually didn't have to bother as he came to me.

Needless to say that I was perplexed, to say the least! I pretended to do something else in the field, slowly closing in and moving away again. I knew that 'Mr F' was watching my every move. He KNEW what I wanted, he just knew!

Each time I got a little closer, he would move away and then began herding the others around in what seemed to be anger. He wanted to get away from me and he wasn't going to go alone.

I attempted to get close several times. No matter how sneaky I tried to be, 'Mr F' wasn't having any of it!

The other two horses - 'Luke' and 'Madame' - eventually had enough and were quite confused. They came to me and stood right next to me from now on as if to say: 'Come on, sort it out, whatever it is! He is annoying us.'

'Mr F' meanwhile remained in the distance, eyeying me up. 

Admittedly, I now took it personal. Adding to that, I was running out of time as I had to be somewhere. Frustration, pride and lack of time is never a good combination - oh I am learning this so many times!

I KNEW this situation required much more time than I had and I was dithering between just leaving him be and to try again next day. But, and here comes the pride, I didn't want to give in.

Somehow I felt I was being tested. Something was going on but what the heck was it!

As 'Mr F' refused to get even remotely close to me I resorted to what I really don't like doing: I went to fetch the food bucket as a bribe!  The other horses know by now not to come near me when I have food, unless I ask, I am glad for that because it was the only way to get 'Mr F' out the field into the stable.

There was a lot of huffing and puffing for a while and 'Mr F' kept looking towards the 'exit'.  

And here again, just to show my sheer ignorance and somewhat pride 'You don't tell me how things are done around here!'  I decided it would NOW be a good idea to do a round of 'groundwork' with that flag, just so I could make clear who was calling the shots. 

I fell into the 'I will dominate' trap - the one thing I always hated seeing others do! But I made it worse because I did it out of frustration and quite frankly, anger! Occupied with these feelings I of course FORGOT all about the timing, didn't pay attention to the horse and made a right mess out of it.

The result was a complete meltdown of communication!

'Mr F' just stood there, all fours firmly planted on the ground, he could have been a tree for all it mattered!

Oh I knew that face well by now and it said, plain and frank: 'Oh just bugger off and let me get back into the field! You are not listening and I have enough of you!'  The more I tried to make him move, the worse it got and I had ran out of time.

I gave 'Mr F' his feed, picked out his hooves (no problem there, he politely offered me each) and then let him back out to the others.

Whatever it was that went wrong between us, I didn't know what it was.

Was there something on that saturday ride that I didn't realise?

Was he in some kind of pain? He did stumble once on that Saturday ride.

How did I make him not trust me all of a sudden?

I looked in all the wrong places ... 

Don't wave that red flag at me!

(This is a backdated post ... copied from handwritten notes)

'Lillian' had taken 'Luke' to a training with a local horseman for some assistance in building a communcation base with 'Luke'.

And so, today, she was showing me some of the excersises she was shown to do. It was all relating to desensitising, personal space and 'respect' (so often miss-interpretated!!) from the  horse towards the handler. 

Being interested, I watched her do some of the excersises with 'Luke'. It seemed to indeed have helped in building a more communicative relationship between the two. 'Luke' has been known to be a 'troublesome' horse and he's done various amounts of damage to objects and humans that were in the way. Yet I have liked him from the start and luckily I never had any problems with him while handling him).

The excersises involved a long stick with either a plastic bag or a red (or any colour I guess) flag at the end. I have seen this done by various other horsemen before. 

This 'tool' was, from what I understand, meant to be a help in keeping space and also as a form of encouragement to the horse in as much as 'get out the way' - 'go this way' etc etc.

Here I'm afraid to say that 'Lillian' isn't the best at explaining things - and she knows that by now. :)

So, equipped with a long stick with a flag at the end, I proceeded to copy the excersises that she had been shown in the clinic. Much of it was about change of direction, going around or over obstacles while on a long lead rope as well as various turns etc, without allowing the horse to run you over or walk into you.

I'm not quite sure but I think it made no sense to either me nor 'Mr F'. If what I am doing doesn't makes sense to me, how can it makes sense to 'Mr F' anyway?

Much of the moves in the exercises I could do with 'Mr F' anyway, it is one of the things we experiment with when I take him up into the fields. 

Still, there were things that we learnt that I thought were quite handy. One of them was that 'Mr F' had to learn not to run towards me when unsure or unwilling. It's a private space kind of thing. Interestingly, I never had an issue with this until we started with these exercises.

But I decided to continue with them and was quite eager. 'Mr F' on the other hand wan'st quite so keen. Most the time he would look at me as though to say: "Come on ... I am doing all I can to teach you what to do ... stop flapping that stick and flag in front of my face! We don't need this."

Yet, ignorant me, I thought I'd know better and I continued with these excersises every day, thinking that we were progressing really nicely. And so I didn't even notice that 'Mr F' was getting more and more fed up with just the sight of me .... 

Pay attention human!

Today 'Mr F' and 'I' accompanied 'Lillian' and 'Luke' up to the menage were I previously had a lesson. 'Luke' hadn't been there before and in view of future lessons that 'Lillian' planned to have in there with 'Luke' we thought it was a good idea to get him used to the surroundings.

Just what I should have done prior to my lesson I had. Although I am lucky in as much as 'Mr F' is quite harmless when he spooks and gets his bearings quite quickly. 'Luke' is quite different and can be a bit of a 'loose cannon'.

Two for me noteworthy observations today:

1) I seem to finally have found a way to motivate 'Mr F' to stride out a little quicker, something I was experimenting with the previous days in the fields. I cannot really describe it in words but it is perhaps as though I am walking with him via my seat, or more precisely, via my bottom, kind of as though my bottom becomes an extension of his legs ... well that is as good as I can describe it.

Changing speeds in trott have become easier and work fine most of the time IF I position myself properly. 

I have been reading in 'Tom Dorrance's book a little. I have been dipping in and out of various horsemanship books but Tom is the only one who's thoughts about the horse I really enjoy. There is a great honesty, purity, patience and warmth in his writings. Every now and then I dip into the book and read a few lines. I am still struggeling to understand what he means by 'feel' ... yet after today I think I am getting a glimpse at what he may mean ... 

All our riding up in the fields has allowed me to experiment and we have reached a point where subtle changes of seat and hip positioning result in a reaction from 'Mr F'. In fact I am surprised how little effort it takes with regards to aids and I would go as far as it being almost a case of mind over matter. But only if I am not distracted and of course only if 'Mr F' is willing to cooperate! I am fully aware of that which is why our partnership is so important - it creates a willingness to work together.

2) On the way back, rather than using the road, we returned home over the open fields. We had to ride through the very field where 'Luke' bucked off  'Lillian' last year (he actually run over her, too - read: A very bumpy ride).
Quite understandably, it took 'Lillian' a bit of time to digest this event but she has been working with 'Luke' and he is learning to trust her. In turn he has clearly become more confident and in general the world seems to make a little more sense. Its almost as though he is beginning to take part in it rather than being all removed from it (being on an other planet, I used to say)

Today 'Luke' was great and all went fine.

'Mr F' however was teaching me yet another lesson: although it was morning, the sun had a lot of strength and it had become quite hot already with hardly a breeze. The flies have been bothering the horses all the way round. I usually try and carry a leafy branch to swat the flies where 'Mr F' can't reach while I'm in the saddle but I didn't do so this time.

'Mr F' had for some time on this ride been bothered by something in the girth region. I didn't think it was the girth itself as I tested that throughout the ride and I could not find anything visible that might be cause of his bother.

On our way back through the fields we took turns in opening and closing the gates.

It was 'Lillian's turn to open the gate. 'Mr F' and 'I' waited on the other side for 'Lillian' to shut the gate and for her to get back on. As is mostly the case, we were engrossed in one of our horse talks and I wasn't paying attention to what was going on otherwise.

Suddenly 'Mr F' went down on his knees! If there were warning signs of his intention, I sure did not recognise them. He clearly was going down with the intention to roll.  

I got out of the saddle quickly and both myself and 'Mr F' - who was on his knees right now, were a little perplex about it all. It appears that he was equally not part of the moment as he seemed to have forgotten he had a rider! It was quite odd as we both looked at each other for a moment, surprised by the circumstances and he got back up.

Something bothered him - if it was me than it was probably my lack of attention! He wanted to get rid of something that annoyed him - again: if it was me, he probably would have bucked me off. 

I took this as a message to go and check once more that girth and investigated it more thoroughly where it had been bothering him all along. And low and behold, there was a fly trapped under there - just goes to show how loose our girth sometimes is, and how sensitive they are ...the princess and the pea springs to mind!

Eye Contact

We had our third riding lesson a few days ago.

The lesson took place in different menage and 'Mr F' hadn't been there before. We took off on our own, it would take us a good 20 minutes to get there.

Once we arrived at the menage, I let 'Mr F' take it all in. New surroundings, a great big hedge on one side with sometimes quite fast traffic behind that.
He wasn't quite so sure about it tall. When we were to enter the menage, 'Mr F' became quite anxious and began snorting and looking at the ground.

The instructor said that 'Mr F' was taking the mickey and didn't want to work and so refused to enter the menage. This statement surprised me, coming from an instructor who I hoped should know better! It was very obvious to me  that  'Mr F' was trying to figure out if he was going to be safe. He hadn't been here before and he certainly didn't like that 'fluffy grey stuff' on the ground, with smelt very strongly of rubber on this hot day.

I got off and asked if I could lead 'Mr F' around the menage first so he could familiarise himself with the surroundings. It didn't matter to me if it would take up the whole 30 minutes. OK, paying money to walk your horse around the menage is not what I intended, but it didn't matter as I wanted 'Mr F' to feel OK with what was there. I should have gone up here the day before in preparation.

We walked around in that menage for some time and 'Mr F' followed me like a shadow. This is kind of OK but there had to be a point where he has to be comfortable enough so that I can walk away from him. The instructor, by now having noticed that 'Mr F' indeed was anxious rather than refusing to work, assisted me with some tips. One of them was to not have eye contact with 'Mr F' and to move just two steps. I could feel 'Mr F' going very fidgety but he did remain on the spot. Apparently he was fixed on my (so I was updated) but eventually gave a deep sigh, and relaxed.

By just standing there, a few steps away from 'Mr F', in a relaxed manner but without looking at him, he eventually was able to relax himself.

That was interesting for me to learn and it reminded me of similar observations when just being in the field with them. If there was eye contact between me and the horses, it meant to them "something is going to take place, she wants something from me" etc etc. No eye contact meant: "we're done, I am no longer needed and can go and eat grass, all is well, whatever it is it has nothing to do with me."

Another lesson learnt in terms of body language.

First Solo Rides - Knowing each other

This being a diary for myself to return to every know and then, I really ought to make an effort to write a little more because else I forget all the little (and big things) so here we go:

'Mr F' and I got a little stuck in a rut: feeding mornings and evenings, with grooming etc. much groundwork in between (learning to move out the way, not being frightened even of balloons and big plastic bags, moving legs properly, manoeuvring according to my body language, etc).

All the above things I am sure make him feel secure and comfortable. This he showed very soon by coming to me to say hello whenever I entered the field, no matter whether it was feeding time or not. He would often hang around the area where I was.

 We quickly bonded just after a month of knowing each other. In comparison to 'Rose' who preferred to stay out of it all.
 This was in May 2013 when 'Mr F' was still very thin.

But once I started feeding them twice and the grass finally grew (after a rather long winter!) he started to gain some weight. This was taken in  June 2013

July 2013

I guess once a horse has had a bit (or a lot) of a bad time and someone helps him/her out of it the forming of a bond between handler and horse is a natural occurrence. The question is: how far does this bond go ....

How far should it go ... what does the horse need. That is the question that was ALWAYS on my mind since 'Mr F' joined me on my path.

In our case it is clearly a case of both helping each other. 'Mr F' is doing much more for me than I can ever do for him.

So the least I can do is to attend to his 'needs'.

Lately I have noticed that he has gone a little dull, there was a sparkle missing. You know, when you look into their eyes ... you just 'know'.

OK, yes he is 20 but he is by now doing very well physically and is in a quite fit state.

But something was lacking. On hacks he would join behind other horses without much interest. It was a matter of "ok, I do it because you want me to" affair.

'Mr F' is a  wise and intelligent horse and I know that he reads me like a book. We usually get along well though sometimes it is a little bit of a battle of wills between us. We have many 'discussions' about how things should be done.

One thing I learnt quickly: this horse must not be dissapointed (treated unfairly or ignored, just to name a few things) or he will ignore you and pretend to know nothing. The stuff on the ground bored him, the riding out seemed to bore him ... and he showed less interest in my turning up.

He was clearly telling me something and I wasn't getting the message. He wasn't interested in going out into the fields ... or anything. He often would just stare at me, quite intensely and I just didn't get it!

Ok. So we done the trusting each other bit on the ground and we are ok riding out with others. Admittedly, I too had become a little tired of our routine so far and perhaps we had become a bit bored of each other, I am not sure.

The one thing we haven't done so far was to go out on our own. Most my fellow riding mates were off on holiday and so we were kind of 'grounded.

Another day passed with a rather dull 'Mr F'.

Alright, time for something new: lets go out on our own!

Sounds simple doesn't it.

I have the tendency to always imagine the worst case scenario, deliberately so and once I have accepted this scenario, I know I'll be fine. The first time I was having to board an aeroplane I first spent some time accepting the fact that there is a chance it could crash. By accepting it, I could then proceed with it all totally calm. I know, perhaps I am a little strange in this regard.

And so I did just that with our first solo ride and suddenly I felt calm about it. I am sure 'Mr F' will be the first to know if I am insecure and if I am insecure as a rider, how on earth can he be secure as the horse? We are supposed to look after one another, this is supposed to be teamwork.

I did have to act a little, trying to present myself to 'Mr F' as a person that knows what she is doing and was concentrating hard to give each of my moves when tacking up a purpose. He wasn't to find any hesitation or else he'd not trust me. At least that is what my gut insticts where telling me to do.

And so I went to mount. Once seated in the saddle, we remained still for a while, taking it all in. Then I asked 'Mr F' to leave the yard via the long drive, passing his pasture mates. He hesitated leaving the drive at first but I was pursasive enough for him to get on with it.

Once on the road, 'Mr F' was a different horse! He was assertive, he would listen to every of my commands, his ears pointing forward in great attention but also turning them backwards to listen to me. But most of all: I had life under my bottom! No longer did I feel as though I was sitting on treacle ... he actually had a nice steady gait that said "yeah, lets go some place!"

He spooked a few times over various items we encountered but overall it was a great experience.

We went out repeatedly on our own, out for hacks and also into the open fields.

The open fields were different yet again. There had been a few occasions when I asked him to trott where we had a few arguments when stopping. He was testing me a little, he is taking my learning to a different level.

Interesting to observe was that 'Mr F's expression in his eyes changed again. Almost though as he wanted to say: "Well done, you took on the challenge."

I do sometimes wonder if he really is 'just' a horse ... or a life coach in horse form ... or both.

Every now and then (funds allowing) I have a 30 minute riding lesson with 'Rupert'.

I told him that I had been riding out with 'Mr F' on my own and to my surprise he said: "I am sure you discovered a different horse!" - "I sure did!" I replied, with a big grin on my face.

We do still go out with other horses too, but to me this is a big step forward and I really like going out just by ourselves. If it is just the two of us we can listen to one another.

If going out with a group, there is a lot of chit chat and most sit on there horses like passengers, not paying much attention to their horse. I am quite sure that people find me odd because I don't talk much when riding. Firstly I have little interest in small talk (I seem to have very different interests to most women and there aren't any men riding it seems!) and secondly I noticed that 'Mr F' would somewhat shake his head in mild irritation if he kept hearing my voice jabbering away on his back.

"You talking to me or what? There is no such thing as a quiet woman ... "