"Forgive them for they know not ..."

It's been a while since my last blog entry and although there would have been much to report I never got round to doing it for various reasons.

I still am continuing with my Aikido parctise, it is becoming a spiritual journey, much more so than a physical one. And with it my communication with 'Mr F' is becoming more natural, is requiring less words and there is no hierarchy. There is equalness.

But sometimes one falls back into old habits, and on a Wednesday 2 weeks ago when I had yet another lesson from 'Mr F'.

I got up early (5am) so I had time to do some office work before mucking out, which takes me at least anouther (there are other horses here too). Like every winter, 'Mr F' once more has attracted mud-fever. Or perhaps it is some kind of allergic reaction to the soil. It only affects the hind fetlocks. In previous years I struggled to find a solution but thanks to a talk by our vet I remembered to use Aquaeus Cream. I put on a thick layers of it, wrapped cotton wool around it followed by cling film and lastly I secured with Vet Wrap. This will keep his legs clean for a good 24 hours even if turned out. The cotton wool soaks up the moisture and when I undo the wraps his legs are dry, clean and the scabs have on their own fallen off.

I have this wrapping up down to a fine art and it only takes 10 minutes per leg.

But not so on that Wednesday. Not only did 'Mr F' have this mud-fever like condition, he also had a very itchy hind leg which he promptly presented each time I entered the stable. With presenting I mean: he will cock his hind leg just like a dog does when marking random trees. 'Mr F' will do this until I have attended his itch which is in an area he just cannot reach (at the top of his thigh, right next to his sheath.)

I don't mind attend his wish as he cannot possibly reach that itchy spot himself. But when it comes to applying a bandage in a hurry, the last thing one needs is a horse that cocks his leg as soon as I go near it! While I normally would laugh and contineu, on that Wednesday I did NOT HAVE TIME for fooling around as I needed to leave by 10am and I knew I would not return home till after midnight.

There were many other things that I felt didn't go the right way during the previous days and negative thinking had kicked in some 2 days prior which I could not shake off. 

After all the wraps had fallen off a 4th time because 'Mr F' didn't stand still and continued showing me where his itchy spot is,  I gave him an almighty smack on his behind with my hand. In fact so hard my hand hurt. And I felt immediately very sorry for having done this and worse, I broke down in front of 'Mr F'.  I had never done this before and 'Mr F' sure never has seen me like this!

He stood absolutely still for some minutes. Then he bent his head down in my direction  (I was still sitting on the floor) and just watched me.

I knew he didn't understand why I reacted the way I did, he couldn't make sense out of it. To him, I at this moment suddenly became something 'unpredictable' or 'inconsistent' and therefore someone he cannot trust.  The look in his eyes changed ... he was wary. Not because he thought I might hit him again, no, I could tell he simply didn't recognize who I was at that moment. I was not longer the consistent, calm person he was used to.

After this 'incident' he let me put on the bandage without moving an inch. All the while he kept looking at me, I guess he was trying to work out what I might do next.

I spent a little more time with him and in a manner apologised silently before I went back indoors to get ready to leave. This did bother me all day long. 

If not Aikido, than this was THE lesson for me to learn to LET GO OF STUFF.

The next day I resumed the usual morning routine of mucking out, filling haylage bags and feeding. 'Mr F' came to me straight away but in a somewhat different manner, he was eyeing me up and 'sniffing' me just like a dog does when they meet a stranger.  I apologised again, silently, that's all I could do. I couldn't undo what I did, it had happened, it was in the past. 'Mr F' gave a loud sigh and relaxed. I guess he decided I was 'save' and to be trusted again. The look in his eyes certainly changed back to being open.

What hit me hard at that moment was the saying: "forgive them for they know not ...".  

I should have forgiven him (about the leg cocking) because he didn't know that I was in a hurry, afterall I had scratched that spot on every previous day! On top of that, 'Mr F' was forgiving me for being so harsh about something he didn't understand. Perhaps forgiving is the wrong word though, I guess they just life in the very moment. Yesterday I had be unpredictable which equals: dangerous. So today he checked out the situation and realised I was 'back to normal' which to him means: Safe

Wheter one wants to call it 'forgiveness' or just 'living in the moment' - I sure realised that I could do with a good portion of that myself. Not actually to forgive (because that somewhat sounds arrogant) but to notice that sometimes other people just don't know better.