(this is another post ... written with delay, copied from my hand written notes)
A rather dramatic title I know.
A rather dramatic title I know.
But that is just how I felt when 'Jane' out of the blue approached me one day with: "Could you let me know if you want to take 'Mr F' on loan?"
"Pardon?!" I said, in shock!
"Well, you know, they do need a home and someone has to pay for their feed etc. I might know someone that will take on 'Rose' but nobody has shown interest in 'Mr F'."
The owner of the two ex-racehorses had been paying for their upkeep but often with delay due to her being in poor health.
The owner of the two ex-racehorses had been paying for their upkeep but often with delay due to her being in poor health.
"Well ..." I paused for a while, trying to digest the heaviness of this question. "... I have to think about this. Please allow me a week to make up my mind."
Even though I had already been thinking 'What if they both leave? I will miss them.' this question to me was weighing very heavy. Me and a horse? My income was barely existent. I was trying to make my tailoring / millinery studio work while also helping out my then partner with his work so that the bills could be paid. My balance was in the red most of times.
And how was I going to break the news at home? Things didn't look too rosy anyway between the two of us, haven't for years. I had already quietly considered leaving several times, perhaps even returning back to Switzerland. 'If I take on a horse I am tied to this place and certainly this country. Think again woman: you were about to seriously consider leaving, and now you are contemplating the opposite, in fact you will have to ensure that you can stay for a while, years even! It won't be easy to move with a horse.' Considering the circumstances, it was clear that my answer should be 'NO'.
But there was also something else that bothered me:
I was somewhat at unease letting another being come close to me as I was not wanting to go through the feeling of loss again, as I had done so in the past with humans and animals. I figured it was best not to form attachments. In fact having a human partner was already difficult enough. We humans are hard work to be around, one has to constantly try and comply or fit in. But most of all it is the constant 2nd guessing that is required to be able to peacefully live among other humans. Our constant need for control, power, attention, praise, our neediness, our clinginess, the want to make others depending on you and so forth ... I am surprised we haven't wiped each other out by now.
Looking at 'Mr F', I knew that one of us would die one day, and that was something I needed to get to grips with without fretting about it. After all death is inevitable and natural. I was pondering on these thoughts for some time. I am not a dark minded person even though this post may make me sound like one. But I want to face the facts in life rather than hiding from them.
I was somewhat at unease letting another being come close to me as I was not wanting to go through the feeling of loss again, as I had done so in the past with humans and animals. I figured it was best not to form attachments. In fact having a human partner was already difficult enough. We humans are hard work to be around, one has to constantly try and comply or fit in. But most of all it is the constant 2nd guessing that is required to be able to peacefully live among other humans. Our constant need for control, power, attention, praise, our neediness, our clinginess, the want to make others depending on you and so forth ... I am surprised we haven't wiped each other out by now.
Looking at 'Mr F', I knew that one of us would die one day, and that was something I needed to get to grips with without fretting about it. After all death is inevitable and natural. I was pondering on these thoughts for some time. I am not a dark minded person even though this post may make me sound like one. But I want to face the facts in life rather than hiding from them.
I went into the field where 'Mr F' and 'Rose' were. I looked at 'Mr F' ... I had no idea about horses and yet this huge being seemed to have become very relaxed and content in my presence. I wanted to know more about him, I knew that our 'journey' had only just began. There was now no way for me to get out of this.
I threw all the worries overboard and went to speak to 'Jane':
I threw all the worries overboard and went to speak to 'Jane':
"Ok. I have made a decission: I will take on 'Mr F' but only if I can have some assurance that I can stay with him at 'Buttercup Farm', for at least a couple of years from now on."
"Yes, that will be fine. We'll give each other enough notice should things change. But to be able to keep him here you will have to muck out all the stables especially during winter." she said, quite pleased that now she had to deal with one less horse.
"Ok. In which case, I shall say yes to 'Mr F'." There, I did it.
"Good. I let his owner know."
Oh my ... now I have a horse, of all things!
I went into the pasture where 'Mr F' was grazing ... and he came straight up to me. As he was walking towards me I said to him: "You know, now you're officially stuck with me, until one of us dies. I have no idea what I am doing though. Hope you're OK with that." Somehow I knew he understood what I said in his own way, he looked at me for quite a long time and just stood with me.
And so our adventure began ... 'Mr F' at the age of 19, me at the tender age of 40.
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