2nd Aikido Class - Learning About Myself

We went for our 2nd Aikido class on Firday evening and once again I enjoyed it greatly.

This time, rather than just learning to perform certain moves, I learned something about myself, or more: I realised something about myself which 'Mr F' had pointed out to me on various occastions, too.

When I went for my first Aikido class, I went there with an open mind, not knowing what to expect, not really knowing what it is about nor did I know what to do.  

This time, because I had already had a class and my head had been filled with countless bits of 'put your foot here and then there' etc, I arrived already with an 'image' of what might be. My mind  was full with thoughts about what I had been told in last class and also about what I had been reading myself.

And, because I was having an 'image' in my head and expectations of myself, this time I was no longer as free and I was constantly thinking. 'Do I put my foot here or there, where does my hand go, now just how do I twist this arm so it is in that position ...' etc etc.

And with all the thoughts, nothing takes place naturally. I was quite stiff in my upper body.

This thinking 'thing' and not being part of what is actually going on is something that 'Mr F' has been pointing out on so many occasions. 'Hey, you're not making sense, you are not with me. I am giving you all the time and signs and you are NOT listening. Anymore of this and you can see my backside!'

In addition, there was a lot of stuff in my personal life that bothered me and I simply was not present. My body was in the room but I was not, my thoughts where all over the place. This doesn't work for Aikido and it doesn't work for riding, either.

This business of having intentions, expectations (of myself, of 'Mr F' etc etc) and pre-set images of a situation just doesn't work because it is not real. It's all in my head. 'Mr F' told me this last July when we had a communication breakdown and now I am faced with this again in shape of Aikido.

I can think a hundred or a thousand times: 'Ok, now I am going to 'this' and 'that' will happen.' But this attitude DOES NOT WORK.  Why? Because it is never just about me, its about everything, its a seeing of the larger picutre perhaps. 

I may have ideas what I want 'Mr F to do but just because they are MY ideas, doesn't mean they are HIS too. There has to be team-work, a form of not just physical abut also mental yielding, a partnership, a means of being together, or better even: being one part rather than two.  

Something I have yet to get my head around ...

Therefore, this 2nd lesson, although very frustrating, gave me much food for thought, predominantly about myself. And of that I wanted more ... I think Aikido is not about doing something physical, I think it is teaching me something about life itself.

So, to sum it up for myself: I have to learn to give myself to the moment and stop analysing, expecting, having intentions. I have to learn to shut up that noise in my head. 

Something that had already bothered me many years ago when I was playing music ... yet that is altogether a different story.

This 'giving yourself to the moment' is certainly the most difficult part for me. I learn quick, very quick. But the drawback is that I by theory miles ahead of what I practically can do. Its the old 'trying to run before you can walk' thing ...